


The Bro-Out of all Bro-Outs that actually was a Date

by DittyWitty



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: "crush on you" by Lil Kim, Abuse of Lamps, Accidental rejection, Angst, Attempt at Humor, BOXES, Bashing of the State of Utah, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Deadpool Thought Boxes, Denial, First Dates, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Kinda, M/M, Miscommunication, Oblivious, Peter is a Sad Boy, Sappy Ending, Self-Esteem Issues, So much fluff lol, Stupidity, Utah - Freeform, Wade is just an idiot, Wade literally has no idea whats going on most of the time, Wade-Centric, act of romance, apologies to the state of utah and mormons, boomboxing outside your window, but Wade doesn't know it's a date, but like for .00003 seconds, dave and busters, i think it's kinda funny but who knows, improvising, its a fanfic don't get too pressed about it and you'll have a good time, its wade lol, mentions of "I'm a nasty hoe" by Ugly God, not rlly set in canon, sorry utah but it had to be done, the boxes r mean, well not actually he just has issues lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 07:06:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15967226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DittyWitty/pseuds/DittyWitty
Summary: Confusion ensues when Wade blindly agrees to some random thing Peter said, he would know what it was but the boxes were yelling about steak tacos.orWade really, really needs to get better ears. Or a better brain. Or a better attention span. Really just a lot of things.





	The Bro-Out of all Bro-Outs that actually was a Date

**Author's Note:**

> enjoy!

{Ew. This one has steak in it.}  
  
[Not this again.]  
  
{Look! I’m just _saying_ , taco meat should be consistent throughout the taco like it should be a base. Then you put all the toppings and shit on it, and then boom, delicious. I mean, it’s like have a hamburger with cut up meat in it, who wants that?}  
  
Wade was listening to the boxes as he munched on the taco that Petey bought, not really sure how to feel about _whatever the fuck_ yellow just said. He and Peter were sitting on some random rooftop, as per usual. Wade had his mask rolled up to his nose, but still covered the exposed part of his scarred face with his gloved hand. The boxes would yell at him when he didn’t, telling him it was for Peter’s sake. {Ha! For Pete’s sake. Get it?}  Besides, he was having a Bad Skin Day.  
  
It was kinda weird though, the weird look of disappointment that Peter had on his face in these sort of situations. He decided not to focus on it.  
  
Peter’s voice was only a slight hum in the screams that were the boxes, for Wade’s full attention was on said colored shapes. Only when Peter stopped talking, most likely waiting for Wade to respond to, you know, the _conversation that they were having_. So, he did what he always does, agree with literally _everything_ Peter says.  
  
“Sure,” Wade said blankly, not even knowing what Peter said. The boxes were now yelling about tacos, and Wade was just enjoying his. He looked over it at Peter, who gave a surprised head movement, as if he was taken aback.  
  
“Uh great. I guess I’ll see you Friday night?” Peter asked as he crumpled up the paper that once held the delicious steak taco that was now in the spider-womb that was Peter’s stomach. He threw it in the bag and stood up, waiting for Wade’s response.  
  
“Sure. See ya then, sexy” Wade said nonchalantly, reaching for another taco. Peter nodded and jumped off, swinging away.  
  
[I thought we were done with the word nonchalant?]  
  
{I’m having a PTSD flashback to that fic. Yikes.}  
  
Wade shook off the boxes and was really just wondering what Peter had even said.  
  
What has he gotten himself into?  
  
-  
  
A knock at Wade’s door interrupted him smashing his lamp. _Why_ was he smashing an innocent lighting decor? Because he could. So you know, why not? He opened the door to be met with Peter, wearing a sweater and… skinny jeans?  
  
{Twink!}  
  
Well, he’s not complaining about the jeans. It was weird though, he had never seen Peter dressed so nice. Where were the ill-fitting shirts and baggy jeans? What was Peter even doing here though? Especially on a Friday night where he could be out partying, or whatever twenty-somethings do nowadays. Not that he was mad about it, it was just… _interesting._  
  
[Hey, you brainless idiot, remember when you agreed to something without actually knowing what he said? It’s Friday, cunt.]  
  
{Oh yeah! I forgot about that! Well, now we look like assholes.}  
  
[Literally and Figuratively. Speaking of which, where’s our mask?]  
  
“Hey! Are you ready to go?” Peter asked him excitedly, yet his voice seemed to be hiding nerves. He would think about it, but he was more focused on the fact that he was holding a hammer and there was a lamp in the background that was shattered. While Peter was very well dressed, Wade was wearing a t-shirt and jeans. Which meant more skin being shown and more getting yelled at by the boxes. He grabbed a nearby hoodie and slipped it on, pulling the hood up to cover his face.  
  
“Yep. Let’s go.” He said as he shuffled out the door, closing it before Peter could see the _masacre de la lámpara_ that had just occurred. He didn’t even bother to lock it, because why would he do anything that was logical. You do know who we’re talking about, right?  
  
“So what’s the plan, stan?”  
  
“I was thinking a movie and some dinner?”  Peter asked tentatively, seeming almost scared. Wade shrugged, how could he complain? He was hanging out with Peter Parker, like forget Spiderman- he was friends with _Peter fucking Parker!_  
  
“Sure,” Wade said with a slight smile, you know, the smile that never seems to leave his face whenever Peter’s around. Yeah, that one. He wondered why they needed to go out in public to do those things, but whatever. If Peter wants it, so does Wade.  
  
[God, you are so desperate]  
  
{Up top!]  
  
[We don’t have arms.]  
  
{Then high-five me _spiritually_. Please, don’t leave me hanging.}  
  
Out of the corner of Wade’s eye, he could see Peter look up at him briefly and smile, kinda looking like a bit of an idiot. Who knows, he could be if he’s hanging out with Wade. If Peter wasn’t a _literal scientist,_ Wade would be convinced of the fact.  
  
[He’ll learn in due time that hanging out with you is a very, very bad mistake. Either you’ll kill him, kill someone else, or maybe just he’ll eventually hate you and leave like everyone else does.]  
  
{Are we just going to ignore that I was, in fact, left hanging!?}  
  
“Yes, yes we are,” Wade responds to Yellow and frowns at what White said to him. He couldn’t help but agree, but ouch, still hurt though. They walked in silence for a little bit, Wade would have been talking, but he was kinda in his own head. Not really by choice, he had two assholes yelling at him.  
  
{I like to consider us as truth tellers.}  
  
Wade could feel the silence between them, hoping that it wasn’t coming across rude or just plain awkward, it was just sometimes it was hard to talk when this was happening. Eventually, they reached the theater, and paid for their food and tickets, of course not without Wade exclaiming about how fucking expensive the food was. Not that he couldn’t afford it, but it was sometimes fun to create a disturbance.  
  
The movie was actually terrible, the acting was atrocious and it was honestly one of the worst things Wade has ever seen. However, it was also the funniest thing he had ever seen, but it seemed to be that Wade and Peter were the only ones laughing, with them both whispering comments at each other that earned them glares from some of the people in the theater. Rightfully so, but you know.  
  
Every once in a while, he would look over at Peter and admire the way the light would bounce off his face, how it stood out in the dark theater. he would look back quickly in worry of being discovered. Sometimes he saw Peter looking too, but it was most likely in a morbid fascination way, he’s seen it happen many times before from Peter and from others. He would not be surprised if it happened again. Well, that’s what the boxes tell him at least.

  
Wade almost pissed himself a couple of times he was laughing so hard, but that could be because he sometimes forgets to pee, but that’s not the point. The point is, shit was hilarious. Not on the same level as Twilight, but that is a very hard title to beat. Haha, _beat._  
  
{Like beating meat! That was a good one.}  
  
Then Peter took him to this kinda-fancy-not-really-Deadpool-friendly restaurant in Washington Heights, it was super hipster and it was _very Peter_. Being in public wasn’t really his… thing. The Smart Balance-face thing he got going on, plus he’s also crazy. He asked to sit in the back, for everyone else's sake. The waitress didn’t even flinch, but Wade wasn’t really actively looking for her reaction. He didn’t like looking at the disgust in people’s faces anymore, he already has to deal with it when he looks in the mirror.  He likes looking at Peter though, Peter doesn’t look at him like that, he never did.  
  
During dinner Wade was talking about Matt Murdock and Foggy LongBottoms weird friendship, ( _“You mean Foggy Nelson?” “Yeah, him.”_ ) and that one time he was stuck in Florida for 3 years. Not fun, by the way. Peter was looking at him weirdly again, the type of look with a dopey smile and bright eyes. Must be a scientist thing, you know how they are like super interested in ugly things. Hell if he knows.  
  
{I think he might just-}  
  
[Nope. Don’t say shit.]  
  
Peter ranted about some random nerd shit that Wade pretended to understand, but also things that Wade did actually understand, like trampolines.  
  
“Look, all I’m saying is that we should have ‘em in PE classes because that shit is so much fun. Exercise and cardio and all of that. Not everyone can get a 6-pack overnight.”  
  
“Hold on! You got a six pack overnight from the whole” Wade wiggled his fingers and made an explosion sound as if that would make any sense. Lucky Petey- _Pie_ was a Smartie- _Sci_ …- entist, so he was like… SUPER smart. Peter nodded.

[That... didn't rhyme like you think it did.]

  
“Huh. And here I thought you came out of the fuckin’ womb with a ripped bod and sexy hair. I mean, now that I say it out loud...well, whatever.”  
  
“I was a bit of a nerd back then, just when the whole… thing happened I just got fit… for some reason. I don’t really care to look into it.”  
  
“See for me, I never had to look into the science of my mutation because a literal human manifestation of dish soap, way too much Axe spray, and a slightly above average sized penis that turned into a huge ego explained it to me in cringy over the top exposition that was trying to be serious but like his acting was just _god awful.”_  
  
“You’ve been holding onto that one for a while haven’t you?”  
  
“It was a good one though, wasn’t it?”  
  
“Yeah, it was pretty great.”  
-  
  
After a couple hours of talking, because yes, they did in fact both talk that much, they wrapped it up and Peter paid for it. Even though Wade argued with him about it, saying something about spending his money on a hairbrush and condoms… or something. Even with Wade’s random, yet slightly complimentary insults, Peter still stood his ground like the sexy little spider that he is. Oh well.  
  
[I still don’t know it’s possible to insult someone and compliment them at the same time, but somehow you are able to do it.]  
  
{Yeah, whatever. Don’t forget to slip a couple hundi in the to-go bag}  
  
[Do you really think money will make Peter want to stay with you? No one else did, why would he do differently?]  
  
{Seriously do you really think that anyone wou-}  
  
“Whatever they’re saying, they’re wrong.” Peter’s voice breaking up the abuse that Wade was about to endure from the boxes. Wade head sharply turned to Peter with a confused look on his face, was mind-reading part of the spider perks?  
  
{God I hope not. We think some real X rated shit around him.}  
  
“What?”  
  
“You get this look on your face, whenever they’re being mean to you. They’re so full of fucking shit, don’t listen to them.” Peter said, looking forward as they were walking back towards Wade’s place, and the streets were still filled with people. It was a Friday night after all. He had this look on his face, a coy smile and a slight blush that Wade could barely see. Well, he couldn’t actually see it at all, but he likes to think he was blushing.  
  
[I think you spend too much time on AO3]  
  
“Oh, I mean I guess.” Was all Wade could say, how does one even accept nice words? What are nice words, anyway? Wade doesn’t know.  
  
{Neither does the writer lady, apparently}  
  
Peter hummed in response and they continued to walk through the street, talking about whatever really came to mind, from Law and Order and… throw pillows? For some reason. They occasionally brushed arms every once in a while, but Wade paid no mind to it, it surely didn’t mean anything?  
  
{Was that a question mark?}  
  
They eventually reached Wade’s apartment door, and Wade turned to Peter who had that look in his eye. He didn't know what to think of it. He wonders how something as small as an eye can hold so much inside of it. Metaphorically of course. Well, kinda. They were facing each other, with Wade’s hand on the doorknob, ready to open it. Peter was looking at him, almost staring at him, but his eyes went blank. As if he was stuck in his own head.  
  
_Huh._  
  
“Alright, well I’ll see you later! I gotta go to sleep and all. I had fun though. I’ll text you!” Wade spoke up, decided to speak his own gibberish words since Peter obviously couldn’t find them. He entered his apartment and waved goodbye, slowly closing his door. He didn’t miss the glimpse of Peter’s head being dropped down, a look of disappointment and confusion on it.  
  
[Maybe he’s finally coming to his senses. That he should stay away.]  
  
-  
  
The next day, Wade got a call on his pink bedazzled burner phone from some random dude that he really doesn’t care about, propositioning him for a hit. 30 grand to kill some pedophile up in Utah, which he really doesn’t want to do because; Utah.  
  
He still took the job anyway, gotta make money somehow. Plus torturing pedophiles is right above breaking lamps on his “guilty pleasures” list. It’s almost better than pretending to work in the customer service at Dave and Busters.  
  
[Oh please, don’t try to act any less than the crazy mother fucker that you are.]  
  
{You love torturing people, don’t pretend you don’t because you want Spider-Jesus’s dick}  
  
[How dare you lie, not only to us but to the readers.]  
  
Yeah, okay, you got him. Speaking of making little pedos scream, the job was terrible. Well, actually it was kinda fun but Utah, he cannot get over Utah. There was no good Mexican restaurants and sure, there were probably many many other good places to eat but why?  
  
[if I were a lesser man, I would bring up that one joke from the last movie.]  
  
{And thank god you aren’t, I hate when they steal jokes from the movie.}  
  
Well, this is what he told himself as he was in Provo buying chicken waffles in his Dead- “ _Don’t trust people with Apple Watches_ ”-Pool suit. Yeah, he got a lot of weird stares, for this is not even close to what New York is like. Plus, it’s _kinda_ racist to have no ethnic food places and also, uh virtually no people of color.  
  
Utah sucks. His skin is extra dry and the tap water tastes like ass. He misses home.  
  
[No, you miss Peter.]  
  
Yeah, that. The chicken waffle almost makes it worth it to be in a state filled with goodie two shoes homophobes, almost. Whatever, at least he got his paycheck and he can get the fuck outta dodge. He got flown back on a private plane that his employer supplied because TSA and literal guns don’t really… mix well. He’s also banned, from _literally all airports_. It’s like, a _thing._  
  
It had been a couple of days since his bro out with Peter when he got back from the job, but like plane trips suck the life out of Wade. Well, kinda. Whatever, the point is he was really tired and just wanted to sleep. And jack off, but that’s all the time.  
  
With that being said, he finally sees Peter on Wednesday, like finally. Porn isn’t the same without a fresh memory of that ass.  
  
{Let’s not forget about his personality!}  
  
[Oh yeah, totally. Let’s just _romantically_ jerk off to our friend. Like that makes it any better.]  
  
{I mean when you put it like _that_ it just makes it sound stupid.}  
  
The next time he sees Peter, he was acting… weird. Wade searched out looking for Peter and totally surprised him because he fucking knew that his spidey sense wasn’t tripped up by Wade anymore. Which is strange, Wade Wilson, a _literal murderer_ doesn’t trip his sense while Petty Criminal #468 does?  
  
So, Wade does what he does and do that annoying thing that annoying people do and creep up behind Peter and put his gloved hands over Peter’s eyes and says;  
  
“Guess who!”  
  
“Uh. Hi Wade.” Peter removed the hands and turned around for just a second, to then return to gazing upon New York all angst like. Huh, weird.  
  
“So, what have you been up to?” Wade asked with a big smile, drawing out the ‘so’.  
  
“Uh, not much really? What about you?” Peter shrugged, seeming quite disinterested.  
  
“Uh, you know, just chilling. Was in Utah for like 96 hours, which is 95 hours too long.”  
  
“Huh. Cool. Uh... Well, I’m going to go patrol and whatnot, I’ll see you later?” Peter said awkwardly and hopped off, swinging off without even waiting for a response. Sure, he’d done it in the past, but that was before they were friends. Wade was no stranger to the “Hi and Dip” plan of action from “Dealing With Wade Wilson” method handbook, but he’d never think that Peter would use it now.  
  
Maybe Peter is finally coming to his senses, that Wade isn’t worth it. He doesn’t blame him, surely Spiderman has better things to do than deal with him.  
  
Still hurts.  
  
-  
  
“So… like a date?”  
  
Wade looked up at Weasel with wide and confused eyes as soon as those 4 syllables left Weasel's mouth, sounding high pitched, kinda annoying and full of complete utter _shit._  
  
“I’m sorry did I just _forget the English language_ but did you just say Date?” Wade slightly-but-not-so-slightly yelled at Weasel, earning the attention out of everyone in the bar. Wade turned around, showing everyone his unmasked face and a not-so-subtle gun. Luckliy for them and the cleaning crew that comes in every Sunday, the all turned back to whatever in the loving fuck they were doing.  
  
“Look, I know the cancer is like still technically in your brain right now, but how fucking stupid do you have to be to not see such a thing. He took you out, on a date. Dinner and a movie, _he paid_.”  
  
“Oh my fucking god. I’m an _idiot,_ a complete _idiot._ ” Wade mind like kinda exploded, because how could he be so blind? Peter asked him out on a date, and he wasn’t listening.  
  
“Yep.”    
  
“Wow, I’m an idiot! This is great! Nice! Amazing!” Wade threw his hands up dramatically and dropped his head on the bar counter, cradling it with his arms.  
  
“It’s kinda funny, rejecting the one person that would sleep with you.”  
  
“Not helping!” Wade yelled and reached out blindly to hit Weasel, but missed.  
  
“Right. Oh well. You might as well put a ring on Mr. Right by this point.” Weasel said as he turned back to do something, Wade doesn’t know what nor does he care, he was already out the door.  
  
He was going to make things right, and in the only way he knows how.  
  
-  
  
Turns out, boomboxes aren’t a huge thing anymore and on such short notice, he didn’t really have a lot of time right now. Oh well, there’s always next time. So, he hauled ass towards Peter’s apartment with a solo cup and lube, you know just in case. Let’s not forget the flowers, like _duh._  
  
He soon found himself on Peter’s fire escape, kinda just crouching there putting everything in position. He played the literal best love song in the entire world, “ _Crush on You_ ” by Lil Kim, and placed in the solo cup because you gotta make do with what you got.  
  
{I still think ‘ _I’m a nasty hoe_ ’ by Ugly God would have been a better song, but whatever. No one listens to me anymore.}  
  
Next thing he knows, Peter’s walking into his room and gives Wade a confused face and a nice and quick “What the fuck?” before opening the window.  
  
“Wade, what is this?”  
  
“I’m sorry!” Wade blurts out because he may or may not have forgotten to plan the whole talking thing. Oops?  
  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were asking me out and I wasn’t really listening fully because yellow was mad about steak tacos!” He continued, just not even trying to stop whatever the fuck this was.  
  
{Hey! Don’t blame this one me!}  
  
“And I just agree to everything you want to do because you’re really just so amazing.” Wade blurted out quickly, losing his breath. He took a deep one and slowed down. “I’m really, really sorry. I don’t want you to think I don’t like you, because Peter. I think the damn world of you. Can we just do a redo?” Wade asked with pleading eyes. Peter grabbed him and pulled him inside, with that stupid smile on his face again.  
  
“You’re an asshole,” Peter said, smiling and looking at Wade as if he was the second coming. He reached up and pulled off Wade’s mask, all the way. Sure, the boxes were screaming at him, but all Wade could see were those beautiful brown orbs. It was enchanting.  
  
“Yeah, but I can be your asshole. Literally and figuratively.” Wade said with a smirk, pointing towards his own face. Peter laughed and stroked Wade’s cheek, moving his thumb back and forth softly against Wade’s cheek.  
  
“I’m gonna have to take you up on that one.” Was all Peter said against Wade’s lips, before kissing him, and for the first time in awhile, the boxes said _nothing._

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed this one! I had a lot of fun just trying to make this one funny and light-hearted. I hope you laughed, or whatever. For the people who read my last fic (Distance), you probably needed it. Plus! the sequel for distance is coming out soon, so get ready for that.
> 
> references that people may not understand:
> 
> -"Smart balance face" Smart Balance is a vegan butter. Get it, like Butterface.
> 
> Sorry, this one took a bit to come out, I like kinda have been busy with school, however! My medical issues are getting like 10000x better, so I'm really grateful for that.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr and send me some prompts!- DittyWitty
> 
> check out my beta- queertrex on tumblr, they are like, super cool
> 
> Leave me some comments, makes my heart feel all happy


End file.
